Things you shouldn't do as a new mom

Read The Warning Labels 

Ok, you probably don't want to skip the instructions on installing the car seat (I'm still considering putting that on my LinkedIn profile skill set). 

But let's face it, companies are protecting their interests. Every warning label on your kid's stuff basically tells you to stare at your child non-stop to make sure they're still breathing. 

Mama got the swing so she could have a moment. She doesn't want to stare at you sleeping in the swing... she wants you to be quiet so she can take a shower.

Reading the label only makes you paranoid.

Feel Guilty

Easier said than done. 

My kid has serious FOMO. In fact his usual pre-nap or bedtime trick is to get super cute so he knows we won't want to put him down. I used to feel guilty about watching him on the monitor talk and laugh to himself. Then, one day, I gave in and played with him... he turned into a demon within 5 minutes.

Trust that you're doing the right thing for you and your kid. 

Plus think about it... if you ever slung around the phrase "you've ruined my life" as a teenager it was likely because you complained that you had a curfew, NOT because your mom forgot your blanket at the house.

So table the guilt - you're doing great.

Skip Celebrating You 

...and the badass you are.

For example, I just played my second game of "catch the diarrhea". Let me tell you, even if you win the round, you're still losing.

Celebrate even the small victories. Sure I may have thrown out brand new pjs (Jase, you owe me $8 + tax), and I may have momentarily considered bathing my son in bleach, but hey... I didn't get any poop on me (this time). Pop the champagne.

Two Months With Jase

Dear Jase,

Here we are! Two months later and you still don't have a job... any day now bud...

Here's some milestones from this past month:

• You made your first road trip at 5 weeks old
• You graduated out of your newborn clothes into size 0-3/3 month
• You love: "talking" to us - especially after having your diaper changed, laughing, dancing before bedtime, hearing new voices, and staying awake if you feel like there's something happening (you have serious FOMO*)
• You can: mostly hold your head up on your own, tolerate bath time (although with the looks you give me I feel like you're plotting my untimely demise), tell when we're in the room (or rather not in the room, prompting me to trick you at nap time)

Here are things for your future therapy sessions:

• Your failure to become a doctor can be blamed on your dad, who taught you to call it a "ding dong" instead of a "penis" (he hates the word like many people hate the word "moist") 
• You were a pawn in my grand theft of stealing baby nail clippers from Target**
• Your bedtime feedings are to Sex and the City reruns and your bedtime stories are to InTouch Magazine

• I made you listen to "Bye, Bye, Bye" circa *NSYNC

Here are things for our therapy sessions, which we still can't afford:

• You peed on, vommed on, and finally pooped on me in the span of 36 hours... we also had to throw away one of your outfits.
• I had to scream for help when you ripped out a chunk of my hair when I was trying to put you down for a nap (I blame the FOMO)
• You escalate the situation from laughter to screams at an alarming rate
• We got the bill from the hospital 

It seems as soon as we think we figured you out, you're ready to change the game. If the challenges bring the smiles and laughter we got this month, we can't wait to see what you have planned for month 3.

Love,

Mommy and Daddy

Awww so cute...

Still rocking it...

Uh oh... wait for it

And escalate...

Don't make me angry... you wouldn't like me when I'm angry.

*Fear Of Missing Out

**Chill... I went back and paid for them.

Stats

Heigh: 23 inches

Weight: 11lbs, 11 oz