6 Signs Of "Maturity"

1. I walked into our bedroom where Justin was waiting... Mooning me.

2. I locked Justin out of our bedroom so I could get ready for bed first.

2a. Justin took the doorknob off.

3. Justin paired every good sock with a "throw-away" (*cough hole-y*) sock, trying to convince me the dryer was eating my clothes.

4. I hid all of his underwear.

5. Justin hid my toothbrush from me.

6. I dropped Justin's toothbrush on the bathroom floor... On purpose.

We'll make great parents someday...

Happy (belated) Anniversary

Justin and I were taking the dogs for a walk and I was mentioning how I never did a post for our one year anniversary…

Me: “I never did my post for our anniversary.”

Justin: “Why not”

Me: “Well I wanted to write it from an angle of what were each of us most thankful/happy about from the past year of being married and you never told me what yours was…”

Justin: “Yes I did. I’m most thankful for you.”

Me: “Oh…”

Justin: “So there, you can write it.”

Me: “No I can’t.”

Justin: “Why?”

Me: “Because I was going to say I was most happy about your deer carcass still not finding a place on one of our walls… compared to yours I’m a terrible person.”

Justin: “Well there you have it…”

Pintrest Weekend – The Fail

It’s hunting season… which means I’m a hunting widow. What’s a girl to do???

PINTREST!!

I hadn’t planned on Justin going out of town for the weekend so my plans were a little… nonexistent. So Friday night as I was catching up on my RHNJ (bless the person who came up with DVR) I decided visit my old friend – my Pintrest app.

And a good visit it was.

 

First thing I stumble onto…

Funky? Cute? I thought it was and when I saw it was made with an old shirt and NO SEWING – I was sold – had to do it.

And I had the perfect shirt. 

It was this pea-soup (vom) green colored shirt I thought was a good idea when I needed a quickie “I just spilled half a bowl of queso on my white shirt and live too far from home to change” fix. Only later did I realize that the queso probably looked better on me.

Equipped with every crafter's go-to-tool... an adult beverage.

But as a scarf – it would be adorable right?

Instructions were easy:

Step 1: Cut hem of shirt off. Check.
Step 2: Cut shirt into strips…

Apparently I missed the day in kindergarten where they taught everyone to cut in straight lines.

But it’s ‘ok’ because the strips will roll anyway so you can’t tell.

Step 3: Stretch out strips of cloth so they roll up.

At least that's what the instructions said they'd do...

To fast-forward through the next 20 minutes of the evening... my "homeless person" scarf ended up in the trash and I had another drink...

Pintrest 1. Whitney 0.

Service Review

I’ve been mulling over how to write this post because the experience had me so traumatized I’ve been convinced that the guy I’m writing about will somehow read this and come back to my house to kill me…

But in the interest of humanity… I must proceed.

We have cream-colored carpets and two dogs that seem to think the carpets are mud-colored… At least they act like it as they roll around on the carpet, scratching their backs on my unforgiving, shows everything and then some floor.

Living Social must be mind readers because there was an amazing deal for a company that had really good reviews. Score one for Whitney.

Or so I thought.

Scheduling should have been my first clue. I sent in an email to the company’s website scheduler and got emails at all hours of the night to confirm an appointment for the first available Saturday… hmm.

The week before my appointment I get a call on my cell at work from email guy and he tells me there was a cancellation and wants to know if I want him to come by right now.

Me: “Um… thanks but I’m at work right now.”

Guy: “Oh I thought you were a housewife.”

Awkward pause ensues.

Me: “Yeah, no I’m not. That’s why I needed a Saturday appointment.”

Guy: “Haha – ok I’ll see you on your appointment…”

I don’t remember what else he was saying but he kept talking.

Me: “Yeah, I’m at work I actually need to go.”

Second clue received, but didn’t deter me.

I wish it had.

Day of appointment, the guy calls me to confirm he’s on his way. I had actually missed the call because my phone decided to drop service completely. So I called him back left a message and texted him that I was home and just having cell problems.

Guy rings the doorbell, comes in sweating profusely (I’ll give him props that he was at least self-aware of this fact and had a towel slung over his shoulder) and says: “I called you and you didn’t answer your phone.”

Confirmation… this was going to be long. And painful.

The story continues to be just that but takes a creepy, serial killer turn when…

Guy: “What’s your wardrobe style?”

Me: “Pardon?”

Guy: “You know – how do you dress. For work – do you wear power suits and such?”

Me: “No not really not unless I have Clients in the office do I really have to dress up.”

I offered too much information in that reply.

The rest of the appointment, creecher decided to come show me pictures of clothes he bought for his fiancé*.

*If the definition of fiancé has changed to “woman who doesn’t even live in the same country as you and is clearly using you buy her things but has no real interest in you” then yes… it was his fiancé.

Creecher keeps showing me pictures the rest of the appointment (1) making it way longer than it should have ever been and (2) causing me to have severe anxiety to the point where I strategically stood next to the kitchen knives and mentally prepared for which knife I would grab… just in case.

And it doesn’t stop.

Creecher makes a statement of “You should let me be your personal shopper.”

And at this moment I learned a lesson… There is no appropriate response to the above statement. The best one can do is fumble around and get this creep out of your house.

45 minutes later I did.

Followed by a double-check of the lock on the door and turning the house alarm on. (And maybe a gut-check of where Justin’s gun was… just in case.)

This of course is the abbreviated version of my four-nearly-five-hour ordeal… but serial killer right??

So in the interest of anonymity and yet deterring anyone else from hiring this company, I submit for your review different links to reviews… you decide which one might be the to avoid.

Option 1 

Option 2 

Option 3

WHOOPSIES… did I post two links that were page not founds?? My bad :)

Breaking Up Is Hard To Do...

Do you have the song stuck in your head? In case you didn't...

Ahhh the classics.

Anyway, on to my story... Today I broke up with Verizon - the call effectively ended with a:

Customer service rep: "I think you're going to come crawling back to us."
Me: "Yeah we're done here."
Customer service rep: "Well let me tell you what we can do for you."
Me: "Apparently I need to practice crawling now... just cancel the -sorry mom, grandmother, & Debbie...  insert an explicative here- service."

Dad - I figure you'd either be 1. proud or 2. tell me I didn't use enough profanity...

I was going to Quentin Tarantino this for you to see how we got to the unpleasantries above but decided my continued vent wasn't a good read so here's the cliff's notes version:

1. I canceled because they increased my bill by $35/mo - this being the 4th increase in a year -  $60/mo more than what I paid last July...
2. I gave them a fair shot at being competitive... they failed.
3. Customer service rep is an asshole. (sorry mom)

My first and LAST time mowing a yard

This week I decided to surprise my husband, Justin, by mowing the yard. After all, I was on vacation taking naps during the afternoon, indulging in trashy TV and day-drinking while doing so and he was hard at work. He didn't even get the fourth off.

What I learned was that I need to learn other ways to surprise my husband.

The challenge:
I've never mowed a yard before. Ever. I'm pretty sure my dad was certain I'd lose a finger or something so he never taught me this. Plus by the time I was old enough to learn we lived on such a big lot that he even said was painful to tackle so my yard skills are fairly limited to maintaining flowerbeds (a skill I didn't learn so well judging by my own flowerbeds).

But... this seems easy enough right?? I mean you just start it and push it... done and done.

My equipment:

The beginning:
So I wheel that sucker out of the garage and into the backyard. I figure I'll start there so my neighbors don't have to experience my amateur status right out of the gate. This proves to be a good decision in a few minutes.

I'm in the backyard trying to start this bad boy. I pull on the cord - I knew that part at least - and it's not really going anywhere. At this point my dogs are looking at me like I've lost my mind. That's when I figure out...

That bar right there... yeah you're supposed to hold that down. Hmmm....

Ok - minor glitch but finally I get the thing started (*cough* after 10 pulls) and I've got to say, I'm feeling pretty empowered at this point.


The rest and the end:
I was so in-over-my-head with this thing that I didn't really take mental notes for good blogging but here are the main takeaways I gathered:

1. Mowing sucks. The end.
2. There really is such a thing as "man's work". (I fully intend to tell Justin this when he dare suggest something as horrendous me mowing the lawn.... or whenever it's something I don't want to do :) )
3. The bottom lever is for auto roll or something like that. Basically there so you don't have to manually push this heavy*** thing all over the yard in nearly 100 degree weather. Yeah... I learned about this magical lever AFTER I was done.
4. If you let go of the top lever your mower dies and you have to do the painful process of start-up again... I really learned this point after the third time it died on me and the dogs gave me a "you're dumb" look.
5. If you push a mower around like a vacuum you get an interesting (er unattractive) pattern in the grass.
6. If you own dogs, you have two real choices - pick up the yard grenades pre-mow (else you'll be like me and dodging flying grenades) or invest in a goat...

I've already named our goat "Henry"...

I've also informed Justin that I expect him to postpone his knee surgery until the winter when the grass is dead.

Happy Fourth of July all!

The Chronicles of 2-Hour Sleep Whitney

Recently, I suffered one of my bouts of insomnia, and while I do find a marathon of 48 Hours Mystery on Discovery ID better entertainment than the non-stop infomercials I used to have to watch, it usually does not bode well for my attitude the next day.


Unfortunately for my coworkers (as well as the rest of the world) the "next day" was last Friday...


7:00-7:54am: Honked at 1 car, used "adult language" at 4.


7:56am: Mentally mocked pants... and judged the wearer of them.


Colored pants. I get it's a popular trend - and we're doing it better than when I wore them as a kid - but I draw the line at colored men's pants.

Yes I took a picture.

8:30am: Assisted in the ritualistic hazing of a coworker who dared forget Friday breakfast. (Chick-fil-A was served later as penance for this...)


8:44am: Texted my mom a snarky message about something I saw on Facebook. My mom gets 2-hour sleep Whitney.


9:16am: Shushed a coworker trying to instigate...


9:23ish am: Found another coworker to complain about colored pants up there. Indulged in conversation regarding the topic leaving coworker with a mission to find colored pants to mentally judge him as well.


10am: Forgot what a question was mid-answer.


10:20am: First fist shake at inanimate object.


11:04am: Second fist shake at inanimate object - threatened to throw computer out the 15th floor window.


12:30pm: Received a recommendation to make use of one of the company nap rooms...


1:22pm: Figured I'd been fairly evil based on 12:30 update so I held the door at the elevator to get some good karma points back. Immediately regretted decision when person held up the elevator to finish a ridiculous conversation. Evil-doing secured for the rest of the day.


1:28pm: Whole Food energy drink mission complete.


1:30-4:00pm: Spent the majority of the afternoon in solitary confinement thinking evil thoughts...


4:20pm: That didn't keep me from IMing though...

Time not noted: But somewhere in there coworker found colored pants and assisted in judgement.


Drive home: Honked at 3 cars, lost count of "adult language" occurrences.




I didn't make anyone cry though... So all said and done... a fairly tame day for 2-hour sleep Whitney.