My Birth Plan

Because nurses like to be entertained too...

Whitney's Birth Plan:

1. Give me drugs

2. No really, when I was 19 I broke my jaw after passing out when smashing my finger... My finger was not even broken. Who does that?? Administer more drugs.

3. Twighlight birth? I'm supportive. You should know I'm also supportive of Valium.

4. Ok fine - no number 3 then. Uh yeah... Ok I'm not ok with forceps/vacuum extraction. I mean if you're going to have to go to that measure cut me open. But before, I need some more of #1.

5. I did not watch the birthing videos. I have no pain tolerance and I'm squeamish... 

6. Speaking of #5, could you clean up the baby before handing him to me? Throwing up my newborn is probably going to get CPS called on me and I'd like to really earn my "worst mother of the year" award before getting it by default.

7. If you see me crying like a 5 year old ask if I need more drugs.

8. I should probably summarize:

- Husband only in the room during labor

- He is to stay waist up. If he wanted to see the miracle of birth he should have watched one of the videos.

- I get hangry - if I can eat I'd like to; otherwise I'll enjoy my steady diet of air and ice chips...

- We're going to have to do this lying down unless I give birth in the toliet on one of my many visits to pee.

- If it hurts and #1 isn't provided - I'm not interested.

- I should probably have continual fetal monitoring - don't want the baby in distress bc of my "juicing".

- You're going to have to tell me when to push - I plan to not feel anything down there and will need direction.

- I'd rather have a c-section than forceps/vacuum suction.

- If we're going to a c-section - raise that curtain higher than normal and dear Lord do not tell me what is happening!

- Go ahead and clean the baby up - vomiting on baby, while a hilarious story later, will be traumatic today.