5 Things I've Learned About Babies

1. If you can't throw it in the washing machine - don't buy it. This includes, but not limited to:

- baby's clothes

- your clothes

- bedding

- toys (swing/tummy time mat, etc)

- pillows

- rugs

- furniture

- the dog

2. Not only was that fart as bad as it sounded - it was worse... Delaying the change doesn't alter your fate.

3. Baby fingernails should be a registered weapon.

4. The birthing class should also include training on:

- Operating Life With One Hand

- Picking things up with your feet (course completion after "Operating Life With One Hand")

- The New Art Of Eating (Not spilling food on your child's head)

- Cry Recognition 101 (aka "What do you want????")

- Sleeping Sitting Up

5. Baby socks and mittens are jokes... Unless you duct tape them on.

A Night With Jase

****WARNING****

- Reading this post may deter you from having kids. Do not read if you are on the fence.

- If you have PTSD from having kids it is not recommended that you proceed with reading this post.
- If you are currently expecting your first child, quit what you are doing right now and go into hibernation until that baby is born. In fact, hook yourself up to an IV for sustenance - eating will take up precious hibernation time.

- If you have a good sense of humor, carry on.

10:00pm:

Jase is sound asleep... This is going to be a good night!

10:30pm:

Crap. He's crying... It's ok... It's ok... Let's do the check:

1. Can't be hungry - he ate an hour ago.

2. The diaper!!! Yes. Ok he's wet - no problem. 

10:45pm:

Still crying. Oh... He peed on his outfit. Well that one lasted almost an hour. Oh thank goodness... He went back to sleep.

11:30pm:

Again??? Ok hungry man... Midnight snack time.

12:30am:

This is a test. This has got to be a test...

1:00am:

Ok- I've determined this is not a test. This is torture. Forget waterboarding... I will confess to anything (Yes, I WAS the second gunman on the grassy knoll) at this point to figure out how to soothe this child.

1:30-3:30am:

Waterboarding Crying continues. I resolve that (1) he's got a heat rash and (2) I am a terrible mother.

3:45am:

He sleeps!!!

5:00am:

Oh my - that was the best hour of sleep of my life.

Better luck next time... But oh that face...

Thoughts (that are definitely evil) from the 3rd

Every Time I Drop Something 

Just leave it... it belongs to the floor now...

Dear Diary

Today I drank a bottle of cough syrup... #glucosetest

I also feel sorry for what I put my coworkers through during my week-long sugar cleanse.

Vivid Dreams

Ha! "Dreams"? 

Seriously Quentin Tarantino could make a killing off writing screenplays from my dreams right now.

"No"

J: Can you get me some water?

Me: Uhh yeah... I'm going to play my pregnancy card on that one...

Momentary Insanity

After the 6th trip to the bathroom in the middle of the night.... 

Is peeing the bed that bad??? Ok... I wouldn't really do that but a bed pan sounds like a superb idea...

Pregnancy Perk

Everyone is nicer to you. 

...

Except the fellow shoppers at Walmart they still hate you.

I Need An Ailbi...

J: You sure there aren't 2 in there?

Me: You sure I won't smother you in your sleep?

Pregnancy Symptoms 

I'm officially petitioning to get drugs for Braxton Hicks...

Ugh

Amazon should have a parental control lock for insomnia... 

Accomplishments

Is it awkward if I put "can install a car seat" on my LinkedIn skill set?

...But really??