Thoughts (that are definitely evil) from the 3rd

Every Time I Drop Something 

Just leave it... it belongs to the floor now...

Dear Diary

Today I drank a bottle of cough syrup... #glucosetest

I also feel sorry for what I put my coworkers through during my week-long sugar cleanse.

Vivid Dreams

Ha! "Dreams"? 

Seriously Quentin Tarantino could make a killing off writing screenplays from my dreams right now.

"No"

J: Can you get me some water?

Me: Uhh yeah... I'm going to play my pregnancy card on that one...

Momentary Insanity

After the 6th trip to the bathroom in the middle of the night.... 

Is peeing the bed that bad??? Ok... I wouldn't really do that but a bed pan sounds like a superb idea...

Pregnancy Perk

Everyone is nicer to you. 

...

Except the fellow shoppers at Walmart they still hate you.

I Need An Ailbi...

J: You sure there aren't 2 in there?

Me: You sure I won't smother you in your sleep?

Pregnancy Symptoms 

I'm officially petitioning to get drugs for Braxton Hicks...

Ugh

Amazon should have a parental control lock for insomnia... 

Accomplishments

Is it awkward if I put "can install a car seat" on my LinkedIn skill set?

...But really??