Three Months With Jase

Dear Jase,

I thought we talked about this... we expect you to pull your weight around here... you haven't even gone on one job interview this past month....

Here are some things you did do:

• You slept 8 hours in your fleece pjs... I promptly went out and "new mommed it" by dropping $50 on more pjs the next day. ...You destroyed one on the first wear. (Since then, your longest sleep stretch has been 11 hours but you still keep us guessing on how long you'll actually zonk out)
• You've started to acknowledge the dogs (Juno liked it better when you were oblivious).
• You had your first public meltdown, marking your first official PSA for abstinence for all teenagers that were in close proximity.
• You love: Smiling and giggling, when we stick out our tongues at you, Dr. Seuss books, being warm (hence the fleece pjs), your hands, and Christmas lights
• You can: Fight sleeping so much that I considered (briefly) drinking your formula in case it contained some freaky caffeine super power, frown with such a face that makes us giggle, scream like no body's business (usually when you're fighting sleeping), make us smile and laugh even when we're exhausted

Things to tell your therapist - (which, FYI, is why you should get a college degree... so you can afford one... at least before you have kids):

• Your 2 month shots. Not only did you get the needle jammed in your leg (according to your dad the nurse was a sadist... I wouldn't know as I refused to watch), but you spastically screamed the rest of the day. This included a ballistic freak out when I tried to change you (I think you were afraid more shots were coming 😥).
• Your mom doesn't watch you get shots. She's a wuss... a wuss who had to edit out the use of "sadist" when you asked to read this post.
• We made you do tummy time. You can hold your own head up. You're welcome.
• After we were awake for almost 24 hours straight (21 to be exact), we reminded you that you were lucky because people can drop off babies at fire stations. (Note: We weren't saying we'd do that to you... we were just letting you know...)*

Things for our therapist:

• When that diaper line changes to blue... seconds after I put you in a new diaper. (Emphasize 90% of the time when I put you in a new diaper.) 
• Your 2 month shots for the aforementioned reasons.
• You've been moodier than Kayne West, spastically screaming for no reason... For days. 
• You decided that we should play a game of "catch the diarrhea"... a game that even when you win, you lose. 
• You and your dad thought it was funny to splash me with water during your bath... water that you had peed in.

You've made up for sleeping longer by being tougher on us this past month but you've also been a lot of fun... I guess we'll let you slide on the job thing (until next month).

Love,

Mommy and Daddy

*Kiddo, your parents have a dark sense of humor - you better get used to it.

  

It's true. Having a baby changes you.

But let's forget the cliche "You've never loved anyone so much" - if you've read my blog before, you know you came to the wrong place if you wanted a Hallmark sentiment. 

Here are some of the less obvious, but impactful, ways having a baby changes you (or me at least): 

#1: You evaluate the value of life activities based on how many naptimes it will cost you.  

Shower? That's one nap... two if I wash and dry my hair. ...Suddenly I find myself all about conserving water. You know for the children...

Grocery shopping? Not only will it cost a nap but possibly a screamfest since the nap is interrupted with getting in and out of the car seat... Food is overrated.

#2: You finally understand the phrase "crying over spilled milk". 

If you pump you act as if every drop is liquid gold (and for the time it takes it pretty much is). I once went on a cussing rampage when I spilled drops... literally drops...

Now, when he doesn't finish a bottle of formula, I calculate in my head how many meals of ramen that would have bought... ramen I'll surely have to eat if he keeps wasting formula. 

#3: When you find that magical unicorn of timing it out so you're eating when the baby is sleeping... 

You eat like a starving convict because (1) you've forgotten how to function eating with both hands and (2) you just know the kiddo is going to wake up mid-meal.

#4: Your life is punctuated with sound effects. 

I don't just zip up my son's onesie... I do it with the gusto of a Star Wars movie... 

So there you have it. It's true... having a baby changes you.

...I'd come up with a better ending... but it isn't worth the naptime.

Things you shouldn't do as a new mom

Read The Warning Labels 

Ok, you probably don't want to skip the instructions on installing the car seat (I'm still considering putting that on my LinkedIn profile skill set). 

But let's face it, companies are protecting their interests. Every warning label on your kid's stuff basically tells you to stare at your child non-stop to make sure they're still breathing. 

Mama got the swing so she could have a moment. She doesn't want to stare at you sleeping in the swing... she wants you to be quiet so she can take a shower.

Reading the label only makes you paranoid.

Feel Guilty

Easier said than done. 

My kid has serious FOMO. In fact his usual pre-nap or bedtime trick is to get super cute so he knows we won't want to put him down. I used to feel guilty about watching him on the monitor talk and laugh to himself. Then, one day, I gave in and played with him... he turned into a demon within 5 minutes.

Trust that you're doing the right thing for you and your kid. 

Plus think about it... if you ever slung around the phrase "you've ruined my life" as a teenager it was likely because you complained that you had a curfew, NOT because your mom forgot your blanket at the house.

So table the guilt - you're doing great.

Skip Celebrating You 

...and the badass you are.

For example, I just played my second game of "catch the diarrhea". Let me tell you, even if you win the round, you're still losing.

Celebrate even the small victories. Sure I may have thrown out brand new pjs (Jase, you owe me $8 + tax), and I may have momentarily considered bathing my son in bleach, but hey... I didn't get any poop on me (this time). Pop the champagne.

Two Months With Jase

Dear Jase,

Here we are! Two months later and you still don't have a job... any day now bud...

Here's some milestones from this past month:

• You made your first road trip at 5 weeks old
• You graduated out of your newborn clothes into size 0-3/3 month
• You love: "talking" to us - especially after having your diaper changed, laughing, dancing before bedtime, hearing new voices, and staying awake if you feel like there's something happening (you have serious FOMO*)
• You can: mostly hold your head up on your own, tolerate bath time (although with the looks you give me I feel like you're plotting my untimely demise), tell when we're in the room (or rather not in the room, prompting me to trick you at nap time)

Here are things for your future therapy sessions:

• Your failure to become a doctor can be blamed on your dad, who taught you to call it a "ding dong" instead of a "penis" (he hates the word like many people hate the word "moist") 
• You were a pawn in my grand theft of stealing baby nail clippers from Target**
• Your bedtime feedings are to Sex and the City reruns and your bedtime stories are to InTouch Magazine

• I made you listen to "Bye, Bye, Bye" circa *NSYNC

Here are things for our therapy sessions, which we still can't afford:

• You peed on, vommed on, and finally pooped on me in the span of 36 hours... we also had to throw away one of your outfits.
• I had to scream for help when you ripped out a chunk of my hair when I was trying to put you down for a nap (I blame the FOMO)
• You escalate the situation from laughter to screams at an alarming rate
• We got the bill from the hospital 

It seems as soon as we think we figured you out, you're ready to change the game. If the challenges bring the smiles and laughter we got this month, we can't wait to see what you have planned for month 3.

Love,

Mommy and Daddy

Awww so cute...

Still rocking it...

Uh oh... wait for it

And escalate...

Don't make me angry... you wouldn't like me when I'm angry.

*Fear Of Missing Out

**Chill... I went back and paid for them.

Stats

Heigh: 23 inches

Weight: 11lbs, 11 oz

One Month With Jase

Dear Jase,

It's hard to believe that it's been a month since you made your arrival!

Things we know about you:

• You drink like you're doing a keg stand. 
• You love: being cuddled/rocked, your pacifier, car rides, walks, looking at your mommy and daddy, "All I Do Is Win" (by DJ Khaled), and being licked on by Juno.
• You can: fart/burp like a grown man, lift and turn your head and grab onto things with a death grip that pains me more than this year's presidential election (including grabbing mommy's hair).

Here are some things you can tell your therapist when you're older:

• We torture you with diaper changes and baths... really anything that has to do with being wiped down.
• Your mom laughed maniacally when you peed all over the kitchen (your dad didn't find it as amusing considering he almost got it in the face).
• This blog post... 

Here are some things we can tell our therapist (which we can't afford because... daycare):

• Your diapers have sent your dad running out of the room.
• You projectile-vommed all over me.
• You are super demanding - I mean you escalate the situation in seconds. Top this off by not having a job yet... any other roommate, we would have kicked out by now.
• You like to party at all hours of the night. In-line with the above, you don't like to party alone and often take mommy along for the ride.

All in all, we asked ourselves why it took us so long to have you... but you were worth the wait.

Love,

Mommy and Daddy

First photo attempt...

After I started playing "All I Do Is Win"...

Stats

Heigh: 21 1/4 inches

Weight: 8lbs, 7 oz

5 Things I've Learned About Babies

1. If you can't throw it in the washing machine - don't buy it. This includes, but not limited to:

- baby's clothes

- your clothes

- bedding

- toys (swing/tummy time mat, etc)

- pillows

- rugs

- furniture

- the dog

2. Not only was that fart as bad as it sounded - it was worse... Delaying the change doesn't alter your fate.

3. Baby fingernails should be a registered weapon.

4. The birthing class should also include training on:

- Operating Life With One Hand

- Picking things up with your feet (course completion after "Operating Life With One Hand")

- The New Art Of Eating (Not spilling food on your child's head)

- Cry Recognition 101 (aka "What do you want????")

- Sleeping Sitting Up

5. Baby socks and mittens are jokes... Unless you duct tape them on.

A Night With Jase

****WARNING****

- Reading this post may deter you from having kids. Do not read if you are on the fence.

- If you have PTSD from having kids it is not recommended that you proceed with reading this post.
- If you are currently expecting your first child, quit what you are doing right now and go into hibernation until that baby is born. In fact, hook yourself up to an IV for sustenance - eating will take up precious hibernation time.

- If you have a good sense of humor, carry on.

10:00pm:

Jase is sound asleep... This is going to be a good night!

10:30pm:

Crap. He's crying... It's ok... It's ok... Let's do the check:

1. Can't be hungry - he ate an hour ago.

2. The diaper!!! Yes. Ok he's wet - no problem. 

10:45pm:

Still crying. Oh... He peed on his outfit. Well that one lasted almost an hour. Oh thank goodness... He went back to sleep.

11:30pm:

Again??? Ok hungry man... Midnight snack time.

12:30am:

This is a test. This has got to be a test...

1:00am:

Ok- I've determined this is not a test. This is torture. Forget waterboarding... I will confess to anything (Yes, I WAS the second gunman on the grassy knoll) at this point to figure out how to soothe this child.

1:30-3:30am:

Waterboarding Crying continues. I resolve that (1) he's got a heat rash and (2) I am a terrible mother.

3:45am:

He sleeps!!!

5:00am:

Oh my - that was the best hour of sleep of my life.

Better luck next time... But oh that face...

Thoughts (that are definitely evil) from the 3rd

Every Time I Drop Something 

Just leave it... it belongs to the floor now...

Dear Diary

Today I drank a bottle of cough syrup... #glucosetest

I also feel sorry for what I put my coworkers through during my week-long sugar cleanse.

Vivid Dreams

Ha! "Dreams"? 

Seriously Quentin Tarantino could make a killing off writing screenplays from my dreams right now.

"No"

J: Can you get me some water?

Me: Uhh yeah... I'm going to play my pregnancy card on that one...

Momentary Insanity

After the 6th trip to the bathroom in the middle of the night.... 

Is peeing the bed that bad??? Ok... I wouldn't really do that but a bed pan sounds like a superb idea...

Pregnancy Perk

Everyone is nicer to you. 

...

Except the fellow shoppers at Walmart they still hate you.

I Need An Ailbi...

J: You sure there aren't 2 in there?

Me: You sure I won't smother you in your sleep?

Pregnancy Symptoms 

I'm officially petitioning to get drugs for Braxton Hicks...

Ugh

Amazon should have a parental control lock for insomnia... 

Accomplishments

Is it awkward if I put "can install a car seat" on my LinkedIn skill set?

...But really??

Why you shouldn't feel bad about my C-section

It's been decided that baby Jase will be arriving via scheduled C-section.

When I've told people this I've been slightly amused at the reactions... In fact, I'm pretty sure the election is the only thing more polarizing.

So, while I'll never elect to get into political debates on social media, here are my top reasons of why you shouldn't feel bad about my C-Section:

1. I. Chose. This.

2. I am going to have an awesome scar that I can threaten to bust out when my son gets to those sassy teenage years.

3. My labor story will predictable (with a pre-planned date night the day before) instead of the following scenarios:

- Going into labor during an important work meeting (followed with the unfortunate soul who happens to be closest to me being automatically volunteered to take me to the hospital).

- Going into labor during the busiest traffic time of day... of course there's going to be a wreck on the highway. Ultimately I'll be the jerk who had traffic at a complete standstill as I deliver on the side of the road. Sure I'll get my "baby delivery deposit" back but I'll have also ruined the leather seats in my new car.

- Take the above scenario with running out of gas...

- Justin is out of town and Molly and Juno become my labor coaches. Considering a busy bone is not involved in the process - they'll be useless.

4. There's a chance the incision may mess up my tattoo. While this is not preferred, it will further prove my parents were right about my "Look at me - I'm 18 and an adult" decisions... Future parenting lesson already learned hours into it!

5. Because no matter how you decide to bring a baby into the world - you're pretty awesome in my book. 

Continued (evil) thoughts from the second...

Tomorrow wraps up my last day of the second trimester... waking up from a nap to throw up rounds it out pretty nicely I suppose...

Why am I so itchy??
I now get why Palmers wanted me to bust out the lotion 3x per day (in addition to a revenue scheme of course...)


Dressing
Ironing maternity clothes is substantially worse than regular ironing. Wearing a mumu may be in my future.


Pregnancy Myths
Dear prenatals,

I'm still waiting for those luxurious long nails everyone promised me...

Any day now...

No?

Figures...

Being Honest

J: You up for a walk around the neighborhood?

Me: Sure but let's get it straight that my motive here is to get ice cream after this...

Thinking Ahead

*still wearing my non-maternity tshirts*

If I stretch this out now I'll feel super skinny after the baby is here. 

Whitney: 1, Post Baby Weight: 0

Insomnia

Been awake since 5am... 

... I've been thinking about food.

Things I Didn't Know Existed

Having a good bump day supersedes having a good hair day.

How to leave your house when pregnant:

1. The hour before: go to the bathroom 

2. 20 min before: go to the bathroom again

3. Start to walk out the door: go back to the bathroom

4. In the car a block away from the house: "Crap I have to pee."

New Hobbies

I've become weirdly obsessed with staring at my feet when they're not swollen.

False Advertising

Sorry Target but 3 racks of clothes a maternity section does not make...

Birth Education Class

*After skipping the birthing video*

Class material: Relaxing releases endorphins which eases the pain of labor. Here are several relaxation techniques...

Me: You know what else eases pain? 

Drugs.

Amazon.com Idea

Nightgown and robe for the hospital came in! 

Feels amazing... 

Wondering if I can order a surrogate off amazon to do the actual birth for me...

My Birth Plan

Because nurses like to be entertained too...

Whitney's Birth Plan:

1. Give me drugs

2. No really, when I was 19 I broke my jaw after passing out when smashing my finger... My finger was not even broken. Who does that?? Administer more drugs.

3. Twighlight birth? I'm supportive. You should know I'm also supportive of Valium.

4. Ok fine - no number 3 then. Uh yeah... Ok I'm not ok with forceps/vacuum extraction. I mean if you're going to have to go to that measure cut me open. But before, I need some more of #1.

5. I did not watch the birthing videos. I have no pain tolerance and I'm squeamish... 

6. Speaking of #5, could you clean up the baby before handing him to me? Throwing up my newborn is probably going to get CPS called on me and I'd like to really earn my "worst mother of the year" award before getting it by default.

7. If you see me crying like a 5 year old ask if I need more drugs.

8. I should probably summarize:

- Husband only in the room during labor

- He is to stay waist up. If he wanted to see the miracle of birth he should have watched one of the videos.

- I get hangry - if I can eat I'd like to; otherwise I'll enjoy my steady diet of air and ice chips...

- We're going to have to do this lying down unless I give birth in the toliet on one of my many visits to pee.

- If it hurts and #1 isn't provided - I'm not interested.

- I should probably have continual fetal monitoring - don't want the baby in distress bc of my "juicing".

- You're going to have to tell me when to push - I plan to not feel anything down there and will need direction.

- I'd rather have a c-section than forceps/vacuum suction.

- If we're going to a c-section - raise that curtain higher than normal and dear Lord do not tell me what is happening!

- Go ahead and clean the baby up - vomiting on baby, while a hilarious story later, will be traumatic today.

Thoughts (so far - and still mostly evil) from the 2nd trimester

Happy Mother's Day!

WTF

Oh hey morning sickness... nice of you to show up in the second trimester.

Registries... The secret evil of pregnancy

I now believe with strong conviction that alcohol should be prescribed when shopping for strollers... And bathtubs... And rockers...

I Feel Fat

Getting lathered up in bio oil makes me feel like I'm prepping for a bikini contest... 

A contest I would lose.

What to wear?

I now play a game of wardrobe roulette every time I walk into my closet... 

At stake? My self-esteem.

I brought this on myself.

Watching Steel Magnolias has been my worst pregnancy decision to date.

Scratch that... watching Marley and Me was way worse.

Collateral Damage

Justin: Hey! That's my shirt!

Me: What?? The pregnancy app said it was ok...

Thoughts (some evil) from the 1st trimester

Ok... Mostly evil thoughts. 

I want to punch anyone in the face who has "suddenly" decided it's acceptable to eat at their desk. (Yes, I did just eat my own lunch at my desk a mere hour ago but the rules don't apply to me.)

6:20AM

I would totally stab someone for a club sandwich right now.

I nicknamed the baby "Devlin" (see reference in the movie, Just Go With It). Sorry kid, if you're going to make me feel like it, you get named after it.

Whomever labeled the first trimester as being the one where you sleep all the time is a dirty liar and I want my money back.

Day 3 of insomnia 

I am becoming much too well-versed on Forensic Files...

Went ahead and bought the cocoa butter stuff I've seen on TV. It says to apply 3 times a day... Doesn't Palmer's know I have a job???

6 weeks, 3 days preggo 

Officially busted out the phrase "the baby was hungry so I couldn't wait on you to eat". Even though we both knew it wasn't true.

Pregnancy forums are worse than looking up symptoms on WebMD.

7 weeks in

I feel like I'm already showing... Guess I'll be passing this off as a big lunch for the next 5-7 weeks before I can tell people.

Justin has taken to labeling leftovers "Devlin's food". I think he's secretly scared I'm going to eat him if he touches my leftovers... He would be correct.